Last week was brutal. Seriously brutal. On a professional level, I was in a position where I had to continue leading a group of grieving staff. I wasn’t sure I could do it because of my own stuff going on but somehow I managed to do okay. I ended up having quite a few staff thank me for the things I said and did. A few people told me I showed true leadership. All I did was act like myself because I was also grieving. I am not sure how people will respond in the coming weeks as time goes by. We have the official memorial service this coming weekend. It will take some people longer to recover, which could create problems with staff who prefer to move on at a faster pace.
The second thing that happened last week was I decided to go ahead with the radiation now rather than wait until July or August. I guess I would put this in the “trying to make healthier decisions” category. I wouldn’t say I felt angels singing at my decision. I just went back to work and thought about eight radiation sessions before I travel at the end of June to a conference I don’t want to attend. I go this Thursday.
The worst thing is news of my niece. Anyone who knows me understands that my nephews and niece are the most important people in my life. My niece, N, is someone I have adored from the day she was born. The hardest move I ever made was when I left Chicago when N and her younger brother were young. She has always been this great kid — incredibly smart, quirky sense of humor, and kind. It is a little harder for me to see the quirky sense of humor since I don’t see her that often. She is still a little shy so it takes awhile for her to show all of those sides that I remember and love. My sister called last Sunday night to tell me that N was in the hospital for threatening suicide. She had a plan. Some issues of have been going on since the fall that were told to me. It broke my heart. I am naturally scared for her. I was her age when I started dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. What is tearing me up is that I am so scared she will follow in my path of on/off dealings of depression. It is the very last thing I want for her because it isn’t fun. What gives me hope is that my sister and her husband are much more caring and supportive than what my mom offered me (my dad was helpful in a scared way but my mom dominated the care I received). She is already getting professional help that I didn’t receive for many years later. This news shook me to my core. It is one more reminder that I need to pay more attention to the people I love.