These Days

For the last few months I’ve been thinking about a getaway vacation where I could completely disconnect from the world (phone, Internet) and just sleep, read, hang out in a pool, and drink. I planned it after a long time deliberating on a location. The day before I purchased my plane ticket, a friend contacted me and asked if I could consult on a project. The prospect of making some money and having a paid trip to my second choice destination made sense to me. I arrived four days early for the vacation part that I desperately needed.

I know this was a better choice as a vacation because the last thing I needed was a vacation where I spent seven days alone. I would have also charged the entire trip so this also makes financial sense. I spent the first two nights of my trip with friends. The days and tonight have been on my own. In many respects, I think I am becoming a little too comfortable on my own. Yet, I feel this pull towards people and the need to connect. Overall I am grateful for tonight because I needed the time to just shut down.

I know that my current job leaves me tired —physically and emotionally. I love my job. I do. But, it requires me to be “on” all of the time so when I leave work I am drained. I think I would struggle if I were in a relationship because I don’t feel like I have much else I can give to people. I am definitely pushing myself on a physical level. I am into my second 21 day schedule of the chemo drug and can feel it affecting me a little more than I expected. The doc added a steroid so I could better tolerate some of the side effects, plus the combination has shown more success. I think it has just made me more emotional. So I have all of this going on — a very busy new job, continued push to improve my health, adjustments to a new job and city, and just living life.

One thing that came up the other night was my description to someone that I finally feel like I am back to myself after a year and a half of angst. I spent that same night staying up until 4 in the morning, drinking most of the booze I had purchased, listening to music, and just looking at the stars. I kept thinking how life has just turned out in a weird way. As much as I joke around with everyone, I am far too serious about everything. I am trying so hard to relax on this trip but I think it is impossible. I am incredibly stressed about everything. I can’t get my brain to just shut up. So that is where I am at these days.